If you only knew

If I was to ask you to think about your work colleagues or school mates or friends to describe them even the ones you barely know your say are amazing cheerful kind and gracious amongst a great many other qualities you'd say they're beautiful they're a catch that people would be lucky to have them. Or perhaps you don't really know some of them they a boy, girl man or women that just go to a regular place in your life not enough to describe them or know them but still enough to enjoy them their presence their company. More than likely this covers the vast majority or people in your life but if you stop and think about the people you know you meet you like you love could you honestly say that you dear reader know how they all think. I suspect not so allow me to enlighten you as I describe these thoughts and feelings that I and many others live with throughout the day I want you to picture the person you care about the most be it a parent a friend a colleague a girlfriend or a sibling. I also want you to read the description a second time but this time picture someone you feel sorry for someone who is always the bridesmaid but never the bride. There are people if your life and you won't know who they  are who will feel like I'm about to describe so as well as thinking about other people being the person I describe imagine if it was you how it would make you feel. Unfortunately a great number of people don't have to imagine. You walk into a place into work, a meeting with friends anywhere with people your age and you think I don't belong here he's successful and she's pretty and she can run and he can play football and me what am I?  I'm nothing I'm useless I'm worthless and it's a fact that if I died people would be happier these people however much I know them or don't would actively celebrate my death they'd cheer they will it it would make their day, their week their month their year if I was to kill myself and whilst I think about it I ought to include their happiness in my suicide note to tell them they got their way. Of course many of you will be horrified mortified and want to be physically sick from the thought that someone you know or perhaps worse someone you don't know could see you as being such a horrible person such a disgrace to the human race that you'd actively want a person especially one you don't know well to be dead in order for you to be happy. The truth however, is that they don't think that you're horrible or morally bankrupt in fact they probably have a crush on you or want to be your friend. The crux of this the thing that you haven't twigged when people go through bullying and trauma when they think differently their brain works differently it's rewierd they see you a person that they want to interact with and they see all your good qualities and they see all their bad ones and they think that you are perfect and they are worthless and so it stands to reason that you wouldn't want them anywhere near you and they ought to be dead for their death would ensure that you can live your perfect live without them dragging you down. So next time you walk into work or school next time your on a night out or with a group of friends work the room remember this and ask people genuinely ask people are you ok are you genuinely ok or do you feel sad and lonely if it's a no if they feel like this there are things you should and shouldn't do. Saying their nice is good saying their kind is good but mean it and if they say what's wrong with me why can't I make friends they're asking you 2 things and saying a third they're asking 1. What can I improve to make me more like able and 2. Will you be my friend but 3. They're telling you I don't feel good enough for you or for anyone if only you knew if only you could help.